April 27, 2013

Cumming Georgia,

Pidgeon attack leaves Tour Mess, Antle arrives hours afterwards

The 2013 SoB Tour saw its lowest score of the season and its largest margin of victory on the same day. Most of the Tours hopefuls would have been better served to stay in bed today as Tim Pidgeon beat the second place finisher by eight strokes in a demonstration of play easier than getting Corky take a Coors. Magical was one term, and WTF is the world ending,… another as Tour players marveled at the play of Pidgeon the current Tour leader after winning two out three weeks. In speaking with Tour veterans regarding Tim’s surge to the leader position it was stated “ it’s early in the year and like the Pilgrims you have to fatten up the turkey in the spring for a fall feast”.

Tom Antle place second posting two under net seventy. The Mayor managed his pace well, slowing the challenge of the Polo fields into playing 3.37 holes per hour. This maximized his strength output and reduced the possibility of friction burns allowing him to proceed with immeasurable speed. Smart playing said some, others just thought he was napping to much for an early start.

Glassman was a no show this week, Stahl played but ditto for him, Papa Smurf blew an engine in the three turn, Olson, well just himself, Kyle Upchurch was second to second place this week, Macy -2 played without parental control, and Porterfield learned he cannot play in sand bunkers either.

Oh, one note of interested, Wayne Richards road around in a cart continuing to nurse his recovery knowing Blackard is counting on him next week. That alone should comfort 50% of the possible combinations of personalities.

April 13, 2013

Cumming, Ga.

SoB’s Bastards Taken By Pidgeon, Commissioners Chasing.

The largest field of season Two-Zero played in the first major tournament of the year and the results are just dam scary. The twenty five players suffered the strain of green fairways and fast greens. The entire playing field posted very high scores. Two players shot under par, and the rest scattered scores from near par to DNF. The winner Tim Pidgeon with net 68 on a day with wonderful weather and muddy balls on the turf for those needing excuses for allowing the “Bird” to capture the SoB Bastards. This was Tim’s first victory of the year and his thirty first time to be labeled Bastard in 2013.

The place position with a one under par 71 was Steve Upchurch. We learned he missed four putts inside of three feet and thus we understand the inside the leather rule and the six foot putter shaft he carries.

The show position was spilt by Olson and Laurie at 73 net. We have no way of knowing if those scores where good or bad for these two. Olson slowed the pace of play and could have caused the over par performance for the field. ( Olson has replaced Antle as the SoB most deliberate and confused).

The Bastards is over now, and the season is heading into the warmer months of SoB tour play. The first quarter of the season gone, and the number of questions about what has happened and not happened is the greatest ever in twenty years. First what or where is Van Horn and Elletson ? These two usually have good season starts but this year they have been more like Old farts. The youth movement on Tour, Andrew Black, Martin Sheppard, Tom Miller, Kyle Upchurch, Preston Porterfield, Kyle Macy, and Mike Pecham seem to be totally confused and unable to deal with the Senior citizens leading the Tour. The only young player finish first in an event has been Travis Upchurch and he moves with Olson like speed and no one knows why! Jeff Scott, paging Jeff Scott, what has happened to last year’s Champion? He has disappeared like common sense in Washington DC. (Rumors, Cupid disease). Then finally we have the rumors of a Stahl Cult with a growing membership. This new group has colors on Glassman, Richards, Blackard, and Ted Macy. These fellows all have been playing Stahl like for weeks.

Cumming , Georgia March 9^th 2013

SoB’s Old Champion Post low Gross and Low net, The Bird is Third, Glassman yells Oh Man for Second place.

As the Sun fell today the third event in season Two-Zero produced some exciting results for those in attendance. The morning stalled by a frost delay pushed back the charge of the SoB Tour players to the first tee, but before noon the play began. Sixteen SoB’s pushed onward into sixty degree chills and the glare of the paste blinding white legs of those in shorts.

Tim “Big Bird” Pidgeon played well and shocked most with a one over par 73 today. The round was non exciting much like his wardrobe, but utilitarian exactly like the blue bags of stuff he carries each week to breakfast and the course. No one on Tour knows what’s in the bag, but there are many theories. (Snacks, depends, toilet paper, or that special herb that cannot be left at home.)

Armand “Oh Man” Glassman made the turn today in the lead after posting 40 through nine holes. Then the famous bogie man that caddies for Glassman jumped up and handed him a snowman for his score card, and the lead disappeared much like his ball often does with the hazards of the game. However unlike some SoB’s, Glassman recovered then proceeded to straighten out his play and forget about the “Oh Man” to finish with one under 71.

The score of the day was a gross 77, net 66 for Steve “ PaPa Smurf” Upchurch past Champion. Strong play for someone that is almost as old in years as his score is high. Steady all day with no putting game to lean on, PaPa Smurf was three over on the front nine and two over par on the back for a score that was four less than anyone else on tour today. This win by an old champion continues the current streak of wins for the 2013 all belonging to past champions….

Highlights: 3/8/2013

Highest Net score- Tom Antle 80 ( as high as Butch on April 20^th)

DQ’s- Jim Stahl and Steve Jackson …. First took a ten on a par three, the other must have had a fifth the day before

building for the Future- those working on handicap strengthening - Jeff Scott, Kyle Upchurch, Dave VanHorn and Butch Elletson

Note worthy appearances of two returnees to the Tour where Stephen Poston and Wayne Richards.

Well fans 10% of the season is now in the books and this week’s play is blind draw by the end of March we should see some trends develop, and new clubs purchased as excuses… Come out and enjoy.

P.S. The Idecker sighting date betting pool is still open. You can still pick a date when Electric Idecker can get the old Prius up Hwy 400 and play on Tour.. minimum bet is $5.00

Cumming, GA 3/2/2013

Cumming, Georgia March 2, 2013

Winter Blows In, Olson’s Blows it out!

As old man winter clawed for the last time this winter, fourteen brave souls challenged the blasting winds, temperatures as cold as a parole officer’s heart and just dam wet ground to compete in the SoB Tour’s second event. Unfazed by the forecast everyone finished without frost bite, in spite of numerous wolf attacks, and the dancing finger of fate that took some from the pedestal of victory on the last hole of the tournament. The Mayor’s real feel index was 33 degrees (same geometry as the Angle of some bellies on Tour) and thus some did not stand on the first tee, but those that did enjoyed a brisk day of play. Well Done SoB’s , Polo’s Polar Bear Group!

Third Place Milk Bone Sheppard, tour rookie in his second event played from an open cart showed how youth mixed with naïve can push one to do the risky to avoid being bored. Fresh from the Sergio Garcia School of shake it till it feels good Milk Bone like Paul Newman played from the bushes and the marsh to cash into the show position. Nice job Milk Bone,,, wonder if carpal tunnel with catch him this season with all the waggling?

“I am quitting golf " Jim Mitcham bounced back after a tough practice round at Atlanta National on Friday to burn it up from the start. The flames of success warmed him well and scorched the course for second place today at net seventy. Also set a fire was those wolves that surround him… (Kyle Upchurch and Armand Glassman on the last hole). Jim was two under on big cash holes and help Jim Stahl ride into the cash window lane as well.

Olson riding without a cart cover is so dam hot right now that first place was a walk through the park today. This statement (second straight win… record on Tour is three straight) caused this reporter to wonder what type of hypnosis John H. is under as frankly he is not that good. How hot you ask is Olson? Well hotter than a flat screen TV on a Marta train. The truth will however be forth coming as the handicap falls and the spring begin. Beer season is on the horizon, leprechauns will dance this month in PMGA event, and global warming will level out the field soon. Nice Job John, get a big lead as Jeff Scott will find his game when the handicap hits 18 and the race will start for sure then.

Side thoughts today:

Dave Vanhorn- could not play because of intestinal diarrhea…. Really, Dave Cold Cuts or cold feet cause that?

Kyle Upchurch, became a politician this week spending freely with no financial controls

Jim Stahl shot the temperature in Desert Palms California in July and won more money than his 2012 SoB total winnings.

Corky Mullins did not play but still found a way to lose $20.00 on the SoB tour Two- Zero.

Cumming, GA 2/24/2013

SoB’s Season Two-Zero… with Olson start to finish

The SoB twentieth season began with the traditional ceremony of introductions, highlights and remembrances of players no longer playing or playing at a higher place. John H. Olson opened the Tour two-zero reading a Tour approved opening statement that insulted only a selected few, but drove the message of the year, “Enjoy” twenty years of tradition.

2013 opening day was certainly one of that would have made Noah proud and in a building mode. The Polo Fields enjoy a fresh dose of H-2-O that enhanced the need for towels and patience for most players. However even the Flipper like water could not stop 20% of the field breaking par on this the 23^rd day of February. Twenty three players floated to the challenge and thus this was one of the largest opening days for the SoB Tour in twenty years.

The leader board and the finishing scores where dominated by past SoB Tour Champions and a rookie on his first event. The fourth place was captured by Andrew Black a Tour first time player. Viewed as a young man with SoB potential from his play on other tours, Mr. Black demonstrated he could and would be a great SoB by his actions on the course and by the drink cart numerous times today. Posting a two under par score after a rocky start of a triple bogie, AB as nickname by those he owes money..he threw three birdies and recovered to play very well. Scott Blackard past Tour Champion took third place with a strong score of four under par after a long journey from his home in Atlanta. Few know the real burden Scott overcame as two others from that region of the nation fell short of appearing due to LFE ( lack of F..king effort) a dread aliment of the attitude. Second place today, Tommy Miller Tour Champion in 2009 scored very well in soggy slop with a net 67 score. This statement of play today should send a message to all Tour players this year, “He’s back, He’s playing well, and he got two mortgages to cover now!”

First place on opening day of Season Two-Zero… John Olson shooting 65 on a course wetter than Joe Theismann’s pants before Beta Prostrate was discovered. John H. with measured slow and deliberate play proved last year’s second place finish on the tour was no accident. In fact the Tour Champion from back in the mid-nineties moved with the grace and magic of a stoic figure in a wax museum. Some that enjoyed the five hour forty six minutes of precision like actions similar to the speed of a highway construction crew noted John H. was in the zone all day which we find a bit of irony as that usually describes the famous Saturday evening glaze know as the Cinco curse.

The Season Two – Zero has started with a solid turn out and what looks today like a race for the Trophy stronger in field than ever seen before.. Stay with us Fans over the next nine months this baby is going to be fun. We may be able to answer the many questions in the stories of the personalities of the tour.

Will …Wayne Richards return

Will Armand find that Man he keeps calling out too

Will Jeff Scott repeat

Will Butch win early and fade

Will it come out that Chris Idecker is really Al Gore Son?

Will Jim Stahl buy a house in the Polo Fields an strive to Replace Dan Vanhorn