CUMMING GA.
August 2009 Update for the SoB Tour!
Gentlemen and those working on their status to achieve
such title such as Elletson, Mullins and Van horn. The SoB Tour is once again having a banner year with the tour
events and the PMGA disruptions held every once in a while. We are privileged to have a lot of things to
cover in this update so read carefully and try not spill a beverage on your
computer as you enjoy the update.
Those of you asking about John Olson's absence this week on
the tour rest easy... please. Their is absolutely no truth to the rumor that
John and Kelly are enjoying each other at a resort in the Caribbean.
The real story is John is in Palm Springs California
trying to get a government rebate. Seems John saw a television commercial
regarding government money at Ford locations nationwide. John already having a relationship with a
Ford location return to California to get his $4,500.00 at Betty Ford under the Obama cash for
drunkards program that expired Sunday at midnight. We expect John to return this weekend with his new Focus.
We have several distinguished SoB Tour Players that have
taken all comers and won on this summers President's Cup and Two Man team
competition. Congratulations to Mr.
Piche for taking the championship
in the President's Cup.
Mr. Richards and Mr. Poston are also to be ongratulated for working
their way threw a gang of SoB teams and then Lamoy / Weil to grab the Champions
trophy for the team competition.
Gentlemen... a hearty WELL DONE from all of the SoB Tour
members to you three fine Representatives of the SoB Tour.
The SoB Tour is enjoying perhaps it's best and most
competitive year from the leaders board perspective. We have nine events left
on the Tour 2009, so the race for the Championship is far from done. We have enjoyed leadership changes every month
and with September play starting their are still twenty players with a
mathematical shot at the title. If you have been under house arrest of late you
are missing out on a hell of a good time and it is most likely at your expense
because of verbal abuse.
Come out now and watch Wayne give up the biggest lead in
SoB history for an August leader. It'sd
just a matter of when he wakes up and finds himself. Come out and watch Steve Eades
quietly move toward the Championship with pruning shears and grin ( he is
playing a lot since the Colombian coffee advertisement got pulled off the TV).
Come see the Mayor try to measure his way to the number one spot via a Sky
Caddie or a least get his insights in how to know when to change your spikes by
counting the steps you take from the cart to the tee box, ball in play or
searching for Litzinger's balls in the woods. It's fascinating the uses he has
for a Sky Caddie just ask him. Come out
and see the new hip of Gerry Litz's... it really makes his speech faster. Come out and enjoy the fun, friendship and
new blood of our rookies that haven't figured out Wolf! Come out and say good bye to Hubbard who
would rather go to Florida with his wife than play out the SoB 2009 tour
season. (Actually he goes to Florida so that at year end he is still the
youngest person in his neighborhood.)
Cumming, Ga. April 4, 2009
FIELD SHOCKED TO LEARN PECKHAM IS BASTARD’S WINNER!
The first major tournament of the 2009 SoB Tour was the toughest contest in the history of the Bastard’s “ A Tradition like no other” with five contestants within a two stokes of victory in less than perfect playing conditions. The never to be famous Polo golf and Country Club was challenged early in the week with five inches of rain and mud bogs fit for a woman that only hangs out at Waffle house looking for a companion. The wet conditions, high winds and standing water however proved to only bring forth the best of the SoB Tours players and the drink cart attendant.
The Champion of the years first Major was Mike Peckham with a one under par 71 net score. Interesting that Mike became the winner of the Bastards within a few months of getting married. Many feel it is easy to attain the title with matrimony at ones back. The key to victory was three birdies and being pushed by two of the second place players in the same group. ( Only the Mayor was behind them, strange I knew that that would happen). Nonetheless Peckham becomes the youngest Bastard’s victor ever. He also is a foreign player from Fulton County that follows step by step the rules of his heritage in being on a limited playing schedule and short time line after play. I believe it is know by the “W-WIOOT”. YES, the “ When- wife is out of Town” so named by Stephanie Poston.
The gang of three finished in an even par 72 (Antle, Mullins, Travis Upchurch) for second place. We declined to interview the gang as time limited this reporter in re-playing Antles round hole-by-hole and the fact that all interpreters had departed making it impossible to get an accurate quote from Mullins. We do know however that Upchurch could have won going away but his mental battles caused a three-putt mistake.
Related Highlights:
It is spring/ Cart girl was in shorts and Gerry whored a nice bright lime green blossom blouse with the Peter Pan collar.
Kyle Upchurch posted a score equal to Brittney Spears I.Q. Yea a nice 101 strokes. Watch out Van Horn Kyle is coming!
Injured reserve this week: Idecker / shoulder, Pidgeon / back, Blackard / balls, Jackson, shoulder, Elletson/ drunk in mobile, Lins / infirmity, Poston / pants, Miller / Michelle
THE TOUR WILL PLAY ON 4-11-09 IF THE PMGA CANCELS THE IRISH SCRAMBLE AS IT IS EXPECTED. SEE WEB SITE FOR TIMES
Cumming,
Georgia March 21, 2009
This weekends 14th
annual two man team competition was something to behold from top to bottom. The
small field of six teams started off the day with chilly weather and finished
off with an E- 9 to cap what some say was an outstanding day for the Sob Tour
and the push towards the upcoming Bastards next month.
The initial draw
for teams was delayed due to the burnt out bulb in Elletson’s head. Butch could
not understand why he must play on the nine handicap drawn from the team selection bag. Then we had Corky confuse what
the line was below the number six on his piece of paper.
Finally we had to
explain that your team numbers were only on one side of the paper and thus no
one was playing with “ Thank you come again”. ( Macy).
For the second time
in a few weeks the great sucking sound returned and was heard in stereo. First
the great wizard of the “You Suck” quote Corky Mullins and his blind draw partner the Famous “ Just
One More” Olsonofabitch raced around the Polo fields with a net 61 to capture
the top prize. This victory marks dual
top three finishes this year for both players and would have been two first
places in three weeks if Olsonofabitch could count. ( Seems he miss scored last
week and thus caused a shootout because he did not check his score before
posting.) Does this not smack of two players with similar issues? One cannot
count and the other is no a count!
The real Sucking
sound of the day was however the team of
G D Ted Macy and Travis Upchurch with a net 79 score. That’s right folks
and net 79 on a best ball two man team format. This is a Tour Record and is
likely to stand the test of time even if Van Horn and Elletson were to to
paired together.
Tour Tidbits:
Rick Skelley played
and Debbie was at home
Macy threw clubs and
all his devils where present
The years first E-9
broke out
THE FIRST MAJOR OF
THE YEAR IS COMING SOON “ THE BASTARDS”
A TRADITION LIKE NO OTHER.
Sucking Sound Goes Away,
Normalcy Returns To SOB Tour!
Beautiful weather, obnoxious players, cold beer, Posse’s fighting & arguing.
Finally, Polo Golf & Country Club was beginning to look normal. Only
one more activity would complete the scenario. A win by a former
champ. Mission accomplished.
Tom Miller, John Olson & Mike Peckham all tied for first place this past
week. Clamoring for a chip off to decide each golfers fate, former champ
Tom Miller approached the putting green looking to use his patterned swing for
an easy victory. Following in lock step was the young upstart, Mike
Peckham. Realizing both were sober and having an unfair advantage, Olson
preceded to the hill overlooking the 18th green and threw down the
idea of playing to the pin. Both Miller & Peckham rejected the idea,
realizing their skills would certainly out duel the over served Olson on the
putting green. It was then, the commissioner addressed the overlooking
group of SOB’s pleading for some sort of equality, “play the 18th!”
Reluctantly the other two contestants agreed, mumbling all along.
When it was over, Miller won by a couple of feet, by keeping his ball out of
the pond and ahead of Olson’s. Mike donated his ball to
the pond and was never a factor. Following up last weeks second
place, with a victory, Tom is on track to perhaps repeat his championship run
of last year. Peckham & Olson shared second place money.
Last weeks winner, Corky Mullins, was not as fortunate this week.
Stumbling, bumbling and searching for his ball on hole #7’s bitchy island,
Mullins all but ruined a good set of panty hose running through the
briars. Thank goodness Steve Poston was there to lend him a new
pair belonging to Chris Idecker. Speaking of Chris, it was good not
seeing him this week. Blackard brought his buddy, Eric whose taste in
clothes kind of reminds me of Ann Van Horns taste in men. And how in the
hell did Jackson get out of the house? The mayor? Just rode around,
recovering from a nose job, tummy tuck and penis implant. Elletson once
again, minded his P’s & Q’s and went home early. If he ever learns to
spell P’s & Q’s, perhaps he will hang with us again. Kudos to Lee
Bethune’s son, whom looks just like his father and not a bit like Lee.
Hell of a ball striker, though. And better luck next time to the law firm
Upchurch, Upchurch and Upchurch. Sad to say, these kids do look like
their Daddy.
Next week is PMGA tournament time, where all attending will be wearing the
green. Others will be vomiting green. Like Tedley Lamar or is
it Hedley?
Soon the spring Member / Member will be upon us. I encourage all that do
not have a SOB partner, please get one soon. Perhaps our web
masturbator will publish the teams for all to see.
Anyway,the tour continues in two weeks. And remember practice is
overrated, but drinking is not.
Selah.
Cumming, Georgia Feburary 28th 2008
The Opening Day of
the fifteenth Season of recorded SoB Tour golf history was indeed one of
unusual circumstances. The weather threaten to postpone the first tournament of
the 2009 season with twenty four hours of constant rain that some officials
stated was three inches or more of needed precipitation. None of this
seem to be a factor in the minds of the SoB Tour players as a full field
arrived upon the tournament grounds ready to proceed to kick off the season as
planned.
Yes, the champagne
flowed and play began in spite of the threatening sky’s and wives.
Sixteen SoB Card
carrying members accepted the challenge and charged full force into the wind,
drizzle, and standing puddles of the Polo Golf and Aquatic Center. The reasons
for such a strong showing on a day of poor conditions speaks well to the impact
of the threat or treat of spending a day with the so chosen state certified
legal advisor on call at home. As one player so noted, “ What’s a little drizzle,
mud, and wet feet, when measured against the Chill of a robust home bound wind
and the dampness of a honey do list.”
The day began with
the State Of the SoB address by Commissioner John Olson. Then the recognition
of the Past Tour Champions and the Ziggy Zoggy Toast. Also during the
presentation of the SoB Tour stimulus plan was announced when the
reinstatement of Ted Macy, Corky ( Sucking Sound) Mullins, Steve Eades, Steve
Jackson and Jerry Litzinger after their absence of play do to premature retirement
or surgery to repair old age. This plan announced by your Commissioner’s should
add greatly to the financial stability of the neighborhood, drink cart
engineers and members of Bartenders local 1427.
The first two
groups posted scores that were more in keeping with the temperature in the
tropics and thus stood waiting for the last two gangs of soggy competitors to
arrive in Mulligans Pub. It might be also noted that The SoB Tour was the
only official play group of the over six hundred members of the Polo Fields
Country Club and thus the bar was used during the delay much to the delight of
the Club management. Finally as darkness arrived the final group ascended the
stairs and presented to the scorer table the much questioned results.
The dispute arose
when it was made public that the education backgrounds of the group where
represented by educations from the states Alabama and Georgia. This fact
raised the issue of math and why they had a pencil with an eraser. However
quick action and two malt beverages to the scorers table eliminated the doubt
and the results were certified.
In the entire
history of the SoB’s Tour never has fate been so kind, and the outcome such a
positive sign for the future of the Tour with the three under par score by one
of those returning to the tour. Corky “ Suck Sound “ Mullins showed that his
rehab, spontaneous consumption and new motto “ If headed in the wrong direction
remember things will come full circle”. won the 2009 Opening Day event.
We could not interview the winner as the mircophone cord was shorter than the
circumference of his prodigious belly, but we believe he was thrilled with his
only victory in over a year. The other players were pleased as this will
encourage Suck Sound to return next week to the benefit of the wolves that roam
the Polo fields every Saturday looking for fatted prey with mental issues.
The second and
third place money was shared by two past Champions of the Tour that have
multiple facets in the image they project to the audience of the Tour. Tommy “
Prayer Boy” Miller and Wayne #3 Richards posted net 71. These efforts
were not up to the Suck Sound score because of a blow up by Prayer Boy (
8) and a late substitution by Wayne #6 on the last three holes of the match for
two doubles and a quad.
All in all it was a
wonderful opening day, and everyone enjoyed the festive nature with the many
supporting stories that emerged. The Chris Ideker mystery of wearing pink
before Easter. Why was Will Smith visiting with without his sister Penny or the
robot? Did Blackard really have a kitchen pass or was the wife in a
comma? Why does Steve Poston have a membership if he cannot come out and play?
What really caused the injuries to Jackson, Lins, Eades, and litzinger that
travel on golf/ casino outings that is so dangerous? Clark Hubbard is he
really in Florida or protecting us in Afghanistan wearing his sandals.
Who was
impersonating Lee Bethune Saturday? Does Van Horney really have a second family
in Florida? Who’s belly button will become a flying object this
year Butch or Corky?
“ Never Up, Never
In” Tim Pidgeon this overheard regarding
hisrecuperating at home.
Upchurch asking
Bethune... Where have you been so long? “ I jerked it in the woods
and the towel got soaked”.