Cumming Georgia, November 15

MILLER HOPS ON WAGON AND DELIVERS A CHAMPIONSHIP
Upchurch and Bethune Ride Their Looks to Second & Third.

What a year!  In one of the most closely contested SOB Tours in recent history, Tommy Miller brought home the coveted trophy by only a couple of Hamiltons.  Tommy played a brilliant round of golf, on this last day of the season.  He bested the old war horse Steve Upchurch and rookie Lee Bethune, a transfer from the famed links of Lanier Country Club.  The fourth participant in the final group, John Olson, played well enough to come in fourth and did.

But this day belonged to Miller.  Son in law of the potential SOB Hall of Famer Henry Lins, Miller threw caution to the wind.......and the rain........and the sun...........and the clouds.........and well you get the weather picture.  Upchurch stayed on the young buck's heals all day, while Bethune and Olson argued how much water could accumulate in a Fiat Spider, if you left the top down?  Give me another swig Lee!

Afterwards, the golf group relished its lack of personality and attended the end of the year SOB party at Rick Skelley's adobe.  And boy what a party.  Some of the surprises and highlights included:  Dave Van Horn, not showing his Butch & John slide show, Corky Mullins complaining about the Dreamland Bar B Que Ribs being too bony, Chris Idecker doing his best, nobody likes me imitation, Steve Poston allowing his wife to accumulate wardens in the corner and lead a finger pointing session whenever a SOB wandered near by, Steve Upchurch drinking Miller Lite, Lee Bethune looking for a third place trophy, Clark Hubbard enjoying his athletic supporter a little too well, Wayne Richards getting caught hiding in the bathroom shower, waiting to jump someone, Tom Antle confused, Rich Stepenek more confused, Butch Elletson looking for Chong, Tim Pidgeon bitching about the wine (by the way, when did a SOB start drinking wine?), John Olson wondering out loud, if you pee in the pool would it be considered a "hot tub"?  Scott Blackard, taunting the champ, letting him know the trophy would be going back to North Fulton next year and of course the champ, telling his wife that she had already had too much to drink.  Go figure.

Anyway just think, we are just a few short weeks away from this shit starting all over again.

Congrats, Tommy.  Welcome to the winners circle.  See everyone in 2009.

The Office of The SOB Commissioners.

A special thanks to the Posse's.  By allowing your party to end by 11 P. M., all of the underpaid help you hired, AKA Brittney, could come visit our party and "squeak" out a good time.  God bless man hole covers

Cumming, GA August 30

                       HURRICANE JOE STORMS TO VICTORY
                                     Runner Up Blackard Holds Off Olson & Bethune

Joe Richards, father of 16, blew away the SOB field on this hot, steamy and overcast past Saturday.  Utilizing the Dean Smith four corners defense, Pa Richards contained his numerous playing partners, AKA his sons, for a net 71 and first place.  This Jack LaLane look alike, took advantage of the uncut rough, and played his short and straight game.  Putting and chipping well, it was the perfect storm, as the rest of the group decided below par was an obscene number to post.

Scott Blackard came in second.  Who cares.  This former champ has shot himself in the foot this year, more than Pee Wee Herman in a Florida porn movie house.  Perhaps the former champ can make a challenge for the cup as the year closes.  There is a better chance that Tommy Miller stays on the wagon.

A third place tie occurred between two SOBS with movie star looks.  Yes, Walter Matthau and Dick Cheney, alias Olson & Bethune, embarrassingly took home a small stipend.  Unfortunately for Olson, he consumed 5X his winnings in malt beverages at the Polo watering hole.  After that, he ended up a Mullins' house for more of the same.  Poor guy.  Bethune just went home for his weekly sponge bath.

Other highlights?  There were none.  Low lights?  Plenty.  Good to see Steve "Rocky Top" Poston and his father.  And hey, how about that Rick Skelley and his new lean look.  Lost 22 pounds.......to a tape worm.  Congrats to Tim Pidgeon and Rich Stepenak for winning the four ball tournament.  Maybe Pidgeon can finally get that stove & refrigerator for his newly remodeled kitchen.  Elletson looked good.  Good for nothing. 

MIA - Van Horn and Idecker.  Two golfers beyond their prime, looking to get laid, but settling for a good book and conversation.

Au voir.

Cumming, GA June 28

Litz by Two... Four Fail to Catch Sultan of Speed

Gerry Litzinger the well known Sultan of Speed blistered the Polo

Fields with his famous low profile darting knee breaker trajectory

rescue club today and returned to the club house with a four under par

68 score today. Unfazed by the pushing tide of the entire tour field

at his back the Wiley old mercury of St. Marlo resisted breaking his

rhythm in taking home the first place prize. Gerry did in the post

event media room reply to those questioning his methods and pace by

saying," You can call me anything you like, but just do not call me

late to dinner."

The four challenged Tour players failing to catch Litz, (makes you

wonder how that phrase could ever be used) were both young and old

SoB's. The youth side was represented by Mike Peckham recently

befallen with matrimony and thus not a regular face anymore on Tour.

Travis Upchurch a member of the Tour Smurf family was the second sub

thirty year old falling just short at net 70. The two senior chasers

of Litz were Lee Bethune and Steve Upchurch who also posted two under

par to share the second and third place cash. In the picture taken for

the four above it was somewhat an ironic as it resembled an

advertisement of before and after of a non healthy life style ( Polo

Golf).

The highlights of the day:

Wayne Richards was unable to attend causing local banks to lower

interest rates due to an abundance of cash in the ATM at Publix and

the Wachovia branch on Hwy #9.

Chris Idecker's brother showing up and confirming the childhood injury

that was rumored to have caused the lack of taste in clothes at the

golf course and an selections at the Pink Pony.

Tom Antle locked down the entire Golf course in Bloomington, Illinois

with his rendition of Southern Court square monument style golf.

A special Thanks to John Olson for his time and efforts once again in

closing down the club after the event and making sure that every

female was convinced that their spouse was really no that bad after

all.

Cumming, GA June 14, 2008

NO GRAND SALAMI IN 2008, AS BETHUME TAKES SECOND MAJOR IN CHIP OFF!
OLSON SECOND, ARMSTRONG THIRD AS "RAIN" DELAY IMPACTS OUTCOME.

Seven strokes and 14 beers kept Tommy Miller from reaching the Holy Grail of SOB competition, The Grand Salami.  No, this day belonged to Lee Bethume, a man whose work out regiment resembles an upside down turtle trying to get back on his feet, Bethume chili dipped a wedge on #18 and brought home the victory.  Sporting the anti Gary Player attire of white on white on bright red (must be a drinker) Lee's sizzling net 66 was a think of beauty.  A score that should surely put him within striking distance of the tour championship, as we go into the second half of the season.

Second place feel to John Olson.  Loosing the chip off to Bethume, Olson was indeed handicapped by an overactive hand to beer to mouth procedure. Which only magnified itself, as he waited over 60 minutes for the chip off.  Two birdies and a close up soothed some of the pain of losing to Bethume, but mostly it was the beverage of choice mellowing this veterean of the Polo bar. Olson, whose strong season continues, represents all of the virtues of a true SOB.  No friends, no personality, no looks, no money and he drives a Fiat.  Then again, he could be Tim Pidgeon. 

Third place feel to one the most magnetic SOBS seen, since Terry Morrison.  Alan Armstrong, playing in the group of molasses, lava flow and snail, missed the chip off by one stroke.  Actually, he almost missed the World Series, Super Bowl & 2008 election.  Unbelievably, this group was passed on the course, not once but twice.  Alan stated, "what's the big deal about a six hour round?"  Nothing, except it was in Antle hours.

Notable guest, Corky Mullins shot a net 87.  And really, it wasn't even that good.  The North Fulton boys, hunkered down back home, represented by only Scott "Eddie Munster" Blackard.  Guessing, Poston & Idecker were in the basement watching that famous boxing porno movie, "Rocky On Top".

Finally, anyone looking for a designated driver, please contact Butch "Cheech and/or Chong" Elletson.  On the wagon for a few weeks, his whole social life has literally gone up in smoke. 

And no Litz, The Jimmy Buffet Open has nothing to do with all you can eat.

SOBS, please report to duty in two weeks.  You are dismissed.

Cumming Georgia, April 26, 2008

All the Worlds a stage and Olson merely a Player---  Scores Victory

“ If all the sport were playing holidays; To sport, would be a tedious as to work.”  William Shakespeare so wrote.   This famous quote speaks well of the play today at the Polo Golf and Country Club on the links course so abused by the Sob Tour.  On the birthday of Sir William Shakespeare (1564- 1616) three semi-wise bards of Golf walked through the winds of challenge and beat said par.  The remaining field of fourteen were perchance to dream: “O, Woe is to me, To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!”. As they fell upon the various implements of their demise.. be they from the house of Taylor, Callaway, or Ping.

“Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.”  Hamlet so spoke in act 2, and it fit today for John Olson as his score slay all by some margin at net 67.  Ever moving forward the once past Champion of the Tour showed that clean living on Friday nights has reward for those that have such virtue.  Supported by two close to the pins and one bird (not from the crowd by the way), his pleasing play preserve the victory. In the post Tournament photo session later it was also noted that John looks like a direct descendant of Sir William and acts much like his life was so written “Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing”.

Shakespeare said “The soul of this man is in his clothes.” This being so true; it bears much thought to understand Chris Idecker. Chris drew a bit short on victory today as once again strokes left him wanting the ultimate finish.  This strong showing was over shadowed by the brightness of his wardrobe from the Liberace museum collection, a bright green ensemble from the bowels of a diarrhea cursed jackal. (What in the hell was he thinking, or did he dress in Poston’s closet again).

Next week stay tuned as word on the Tour is its Cher’s birthday and he will dress accordingly.  Chris… listen to the Bard friend “ Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy; But not expressed in fancy- rich, not gaudy. For apparel oft proclaims the man.”

“Sweet are the uses of adversity, which, like a toad, though ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head.”  Butch  Elletson famous in his own mind and ex King of Crown Royal pushed into the third place position with a two under par score marking well every chance given.  Under the weather and playing without any illegal substances or liquor Butch demonstrated that the play the Twelfth Night was déjà vu… “If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction”.

Cumming Ga. April 12, 2008

Blustering Winds at the Bastards….. Miller is top of the heap!

The winds blew, and the year’s first major tournament started down the fairways of Polo in a pace similar to formation of a stalagmite. The “Bastard’s was marked not in minutes or hours but more like that of the day the world stood still.  The deliberate play however was unnoticed by Tommy Miller as he endeavored to endure the sterile velocity by shooting the low round of the day a net 64. Young Miller a leader board regular from last year had two birdies and consistently feasted upon the greens, much like guest at the Hosea Williams dinner. Often lost in a field… the Years first major tournament winner was determined to get into the house on time with a victory without Steve Jackson’s assistance.. Well done Mr. Miller!

Henry Lins in a glimpse of past years heroics commonly seen when the Brady Bunch was on television chased the leader all day long and ultimately came up one shot behind at net 65.  Scorching the front nine in four under par,  Henry was caught up once again in moment. He often has them off the course but it has been a long time since these enjoyable frames of skill and delight have come forth on the course without a bit of the spirits. In the post play interview after fielding several tough questions Mr. Lins retorted to this reporter that his play was no surprise to him.  He spoke directly and said” You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me”.  That was indeed all the insight that was required to end the interview.

Third place Rick “ The Patriot” Skelley was three under for the day. The second coming of the man from Boston on to the Polo Fields in less than two months is even more shocking than his good play.  This proved once again that twelve ounce curls are an excellent substitute for an inside out swing with a driver. Looking pale and squinting from the bright sunlight he also posted his young wife in the backyard cleaning the cement pond as a show of strength on the home front. Just another example of the Belichick mis-direction offense to hide a weak interior game.

Many other notable happenings during the day need to be mentioned as well: So in no particular order these experiences where documented as semi truths.

Dam Ted Macy is alive and trending to higher levels of Dam. Did you know he got a floating putter for Christmas?

Tim Pidgeon will be a regular on the SoB Tour this year as he pasted up, and in fact laughed at a chance to go to Brazil to work and play.

John Olson play like organic bovine flower fertilizer.

Wayne Richards was said to be absent because he was baby sitting. Butch Elletson was absent because he was in a golf tournament. These roles will reverse next week.  Talk about irony!

Carnac question of the week!

Madame Tussauds wax museum, a confederate Soldier in the square, and Lot’s Wife: 

Name three other things that look real and move like Antle and Litzinger on a golf course

Cumming Ga.  Feb. 23, 2008

It was 1994, and 2008 all today…. Olson talks and walks the walk to Victory!

The marsh lands of the Polo Fields yielded for the fourteenth time in as many years to the stumbling of a lout assemblage of the SoB Tour 2008 for opening day.  The festivities were a grand affair (the only affair known to include any SoB in years) that entailed fine Champaign, blowing hot wind, and a senior moment from 1994.  Commissioner John Olson was Grand master of the event and spoke the only words of kindness heard on the first tee prior to the ceremonial Teeing of the first ball for 2008.

The opening day of play 2008 was one for the records books as many records were broken with ease. The highlighted broken records were for the poorest group scores in fourteen seasons, the highest scores for second and third place ever recorded in any Tour sanction event including glow ball, and the slowest round of golf for the Sobs tour without Jerry Litzinger and Tom Antle in the field.  These accomplishments prove once again that strategy is more important early in the season than anything if you are chasing the Tour Championship.

Tour Champion from the last decade,  John Olson did post the only score of merit with net 69. This effort under wet and rainy conditions proved that age has no bearing on good play, except for the occasional potty break.  Also noted were several signs by the winner of a possible problem on Saturday’s with member of the Barley Corn Clan.  John ( Fiat Blue) was noticed during play  arguing with inanimate objects, discussing plans be become a Senator from Massachusetts, and being proud of the medal as the Cinco’s patron of the quarter eclipsing Butch Elletson.  Another example of what two hands and one mouth can aspire too with time.

Second place went to a familiar name… Upchurch. The surprise is that it was Kyle and not Papa Smurf. The youngest of the family played poor, but well enough to place second with 76.  This demonstrated the power of youth on the wet turf as his feet did not shuffle and thus he was not a tired on the backside as most of the senior players.

Third and disgustingly scored was a 78 net for Papa Smurf.  This marks again just how bad a SoB can play and win on the Tour.  No words could described this third place show other than dam ridiculous.

Special thanks to Corky Mullins for coming out of retirement to play on the Tour opening day.  Corky so graciously donated his time away from wallpapering his closet and cleaning out the paper in the bird cages. Thank you big Pussy… your always welcome….”ALRIGHT”.

The summary of what was observed today is “let these old farts drink on the first tee and they cannot shoot the temperature in the Bonneville Salt Flats of Death Valley”.

Sandy Bandit

 Esquire the III.