Cumming Ga. August 7th, 2004

Flying House Lands on SoB's, Blackard and Fitzpatrick near missed!

Mayor responds with all wet theory!

Rich House is richer House now after landing upon the tour players reminiscent of the one that helped Dorothy during the flying monkey era. The Captain flew into the club posting a net 67 to win by one stroke Saturday. Details are incomplete at this time due to the delayed landing (go figure), but the witnesses said Rich play well. No sobriety test was administered prior to disembarking thus we are not sure if outside agents were used to assist the five under round.

Scott Blackard shot the low gross round and almost the low net round of 77 and 68. The tour leader shows what you can be done by missionaries working their beliefs with a wayward individual. We heard that missionaries from South Africa arrived back in Atlanta to show the power of a reserved lifestyle, abstinence, and the position. Scott was quoted as saying" he owed it all to his wife". A-men. This quote was the only truth he has uttered in about two weeks. He also looked good wearing the refurbished ankle chain.

Denny Fitzpatrick showed up on this day and finished in third place. The first time Denny's has ever been rated this high. The Fitz play well and quick in signing his card at 71, one under par. Nothing exceptional in the round just steady play in spite of the two worst rounds of the day in his presents by Mullins and Upchurch. Fitz was heard muttering something about the odor that overwhelmed the treatment plant playing in his group.

The Mayor of Polo got wet, got wet, got wet and got wet on hole number seven. Yes the determination of our community Mayor showed that the choice of one more club or two more balls is tougher than you think. Tune in next week for for his honor's theory on why they much advertise and then teach "Natural Golf".

July 31, 2004  Cumming Ga.

Ex- Champ rides Sub Par to Victory!

The tour Champion of 2003 Mike Hextall return to last year's form and posted a net 65 score to win for the first time this year. The struggling Champion beset by problems this year has figured out his game and says it was better than sex. First ... a below par performance is good. Second... you can stop in the middle and get a beer. Third...your partner does not hire a lawyer if you play with someone else. Fourth... when the equipment gets old and looses distance, you can buy new.

Chris Ideker and Yummy Miller  tied for second with net 72. Nothing to really write about other than Ideker did not buy three shirts and Miller's wagon rolled forward. Yummy did have two birdie's, and Corky gave him another at the patio. 

The rest of the tour field showed little talent in playing well below SoB's standards. This is however good news for the tour as handicaps must be getting right. 

Tour Pro tip of the week.

Never buy a putter until you throw it first! This will avoid problems when used in a round of golf, and reduce hernia injuries.

Cumming Ga. July 24th, 2004

Freckles dominate Tour! Skelly & Upchurch spotty in Afternoon.

The late afternoon SoB's tournament was played in what turned out to be the hottest day of the year. The co-winners were the most unlikely two to beat the heat and the field on this day.  Rick Skelly and Steve Upchurch turned the eighteen holes at the Polo fields in net 70's to spilt the first place money. Neither player could explain their good fortune, nor the bright lobster like skin color. Many of the gallery at the event thought the freckles were liver spots and thus cheered for the two senior citizens playing against the younger tour regulars.

In a dramatic move Mr. Skelly announced that his prize money would be donated to charity. Rick asked that his  favorite organization benefit from his play.  A check will be mailed to St. Duffers Parrish.

After eighteen events this year Scott Blackard holds first place on tour. Scott who had been in the money four straight weeks until today faces a pack of challengers wanting to secure a place in history on the SoB's Tour. Tommy Miller, The Mayor Tom Antle, John Olson, Wayne's Richards, and Steve Upchurch are within striking distance of the leader. This reporter predicts that one of the past Tour champions prevails as the season heads into the fall.  New handicaps came out this week and based on the changes it will be tough for Blackard or Richards to continue to win. In fact one might say that their handicaps need to be reclassified to permanent disabilities.

Jerry Litzinger enjoyed a record setting performance and a personal best effort. Jerry enjoyed the coaching effort of Dizzy and cruised around the course like Lance Armstrong in France in an amazing time of 4 hours 20 minutes. This betters his previous record by 53 minutes and two hotdogs.

Best quote of the day ... Steve Poston " I wished I could play my regular game... just once."

Saturday July 17th. Cumming Ga.

Records Set ....64 wins, wins, wins, and looses!

Sob's history was made this past Saturday. Seven years of play has produced many strange and bizarre finishes, but none as weird as a 64 loosing out. The scores came into tourney officials with a familiar ring, Jackson 64, Blackard 64, Mullins 64, and Richards 64. The scores represent several Sob's records for tourney play. The four scores are the lowest net score to be tied in seven years. The net 64 looser in the shootout is the best loosing score ever. The margin of victory in the shootout was one half of an inch between first and second also a record.

Congratulations to Mr.. Steve Jackson for his first place win in the shootout. Finishing second was Scott Blackard, and third was Corky Mullins. Nice shooting guys!

Study of the films revealed the cause for the net 64 that failed to pinch money, ...he forgot to wear his famous good luck official "little buddy Gilligan fedora". Sorry Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.

The chase for the Tour Championship took on a new look as Scott Blackard put distance between himself and the many Sob's hopefuls. Many Tour experts are predicting a runaway victory for young Blackard as the season is moving into the second half, however this reporter sees a sharp light at the end of the tunnel. That light is the shocking impact of a single digit handicap, and a daughter with out of state tuition. Mr.. Blackard also will need to fill the half empty nest caused by the departure of the oldest child felt by all mothers.  Hell, we may not see Scott on the Tour once the European vacation ends by the Mrs..

This past week also was a milestone for the Tour as note Accounting authority and  author of "The Enron method to wealth" published his first book on Sob's tips for the weekend golfer. The quick read study guide covers every facet of the game with special chapters detailing the following playing tips.  When to regrip your ball retriever, God and the meaning of the double bogey, How to relax when your hitting five off the tee, How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a titliest from the tee, Methods of address on the fourth putt, and our favorite How to get more distance off the shank. See you local bookstore and get your copy, as this will surely be a collectors must have instructional book for the ages.